Perception is Reality. It is what it is.
Just as you’ll never understand the mystery of life forming in a pregnant woman, So you’ll never understand the mystery at work in all that God does. Ecclesiastes 11:5 MSG
One thing God has taught me over 23 years of marriage is that I have no right to think my husband shouldn't feel disrespected, rejected, or any negative feeling as a result of what I do or say. Feelings are God given, and we can't tell someone how they should feel. I have to accept that my husband might feel disrespected by my actions or words. Now what can I do to prevent that from happening? Critical step: look inward to yourself, and stop expecting your spouse to change.
I can get to know him better, what makes him tick, what bothers him, what happened to him in the past. Then, filter my words, actions, tone, body language, my whole being to show him I respect him. I'll never understand all of what goes on in his mind on a day to day basis, but that's ok! I don't need to. I just need to accept that it is what it is. The way he perceives what I say and do is a reality to him. When I learned to treat him as the "wounded soldier", or "cracked, fragile egg," it made it much more clear (not easy), what God was asking of me as a wife. My husband appeared even to me as an extremely confident, capable leader. However, under his proud exterior, stood a broken man with a very low self esteem. I find this is so common in men because society calls on them to be strong.
Next, I ask God to help me be the wife Matt needs. On that note, I've found less is more. The more I talk, the worse I often make it. Be concise, say what you need to say in as few of words as possible, and then hush:) The same principle applies to parenting. You don't need to explain everything. It's actually better for your kids to see that Mom or Dad don't have all the answers. Let them see Who you go to for answers: God. One of my sweetest memories of our separation was when my adolescent son said, "Mom, why do you always fall asleep with your light on and your Bible on your lap?" I replied, because that's how I can truly rest."
My point is accept that your spouse will never fully understand you, how you feel, or why you feel that way; and vice versa. Trust your Abba Daddy to fill that missing piece. Refer to "God's Sovereignty" prayer on my site. I encourage and challenge you to memorize that prayer!!! Say it aloud to yourself in front of a mirror daily, and I guarantee God will change your life.
We are all flawed humans and it's not fair to expect our spouse to fulfill ALL of our needs, because that is a supernatural act! It may seem simple to you, but in reality we are wrong in thinking our mate should understand every detail about us 100% of the time. When you learn to cry out to Jesus instead of your spouse, God will bless you beyond your dreams by ful- filling needs you didn't even know you had:) It's truly amazing and supernatural!!! Let the healing begin:)
