Improving communication with your spouse: Avoiding a harsh startup
Take it from me, one who learned the hard way: a sure-fire way to start your day off on a bad note is to begin a conversation with a harsh startup. I was required to read an article during my counseling entitled, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse by John Gottman. It was very enlightening for me. The six topics discussed were considered predictors of divorce. I'm proud to say that my husband and I did not divorce despite having all six of these topics present in our marriage. There is hope when you put your trust completely in Christ!
I often began a conversation after a long day at work by telling my husband several commands right off the bat. For instance I would say, "Did the kids eat dinner? Did they do their homework? What about practice their lessons?" Never once did I consider putting down all my stuff from the day, give him a hug, or even look in his eyes and ask him how his day was. Understandably, then he would go into defense mode.
Defensiveness is another sign that predicts divorce. It is not a proper response in God's eyes. We are to find our hope and our significance in Him, not our spouse. One thing I learned however is that if I avoid a harsh startup, I will most likely not create defensiveness in my spouse. I would much rather prevent defensiveness than deal with the aftermath. Notice what I did here: I didn't try to change my spouse's response. I did what I could on my behalf to prevent a negative response. If he responds negatively, that is between him and God. I wanted to know in my heart that I did everything possible to create a peaceful environment. This was extremely difficult at first. It probably took at least six months till I began to see myself making improvements. I still struggle with it, but with God's help, our home is a much calmer place today than it used to be years ago.
If you are the kind of person like me, who tends to start spouting off all the negative things that hit you during the day, then I would encourage you to do the following.
1. First and foremost, before your spouse walks in the door or before you get home, get on your knees and pray. I mean literally get on your knees!!! The humility that is exhibited towards Christ when we are on our knees is so powerful both for us and to Christ. Ask Him for wisdom and to speak the truth in love. I still try to pray this daily. Then when your spouse walks in the door, greet him or her with a smile and kiss. Ask "How was your day?" Spend ten minutes on the couch just talking to each other before you get into everything else that your evening holds. Trust me; I know how hard this is for those of us who are type A people, including myself. Everything else can wait!!! The dirty laundry will still be there and the dirty dishes. The mail will not get up and walk off- guaranteed! If you have kids who need to get to lessons, practice, etc., then allow them to be a few minutes late or simplify your life by not having them involved in so many things. Did you hear me parents??? Your children do not have to be involved in every sport, every activity, and every party 365 days of the year!!! When I learned to allow "cushion time" in my life, suddenly my life became so much easier and more peaceful! Your children need to learn how to deal with disappointment in life as early as possible!!!
Criticism and contempt are two more of the predictors of divorce. They often accompany a harsh startup and defensiveness, which were already mentioned. I often practiced talking to my husband ahead of time by looking in a mirror. It may sound funny, but it worked. I never realized how much my body language: including my rolling eyes, my shrugged up shoulders, and my sighing gave a message of hatred and disgust. The only way to overcome these things is to once again- get on your knees and ask God to help you speak the truth and love. Just like any other skill in life, you get better as you practice.
Stonewalling is the last of the major predictors of divorce. This is when you give up and walk away. Both men and women can be stonewallers. It causes your spouse to feel unsafe or insecure. Women in particular crave security in marriage, so when husbands walk off, women often feel the marriage is a ruined. As time goes on, if these divorce predictors continue, marriages quickly go downhill. It is not at all uncommon for one or both parties to find affirmation in another person. I certainly do not promote or condone this behavior, because God means for marriage to be between one man and one woman for a lifetime. I simply write this to bring awareness to these negative behaviors and how to prevent them. For more information and the full article see the link below.